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Sunday 31 May 2015

Francoís Monréaux -- Fr. Albert Rosilioni

FROM: Dr. Monréaux
TO: Fr. Albert Rosilioni

MESSAGE:

Father Rosilioni, thank you for the lovely gift which you enclosed in your last package. The '67 is an excellent vintage. 

I'm afraid that I am unable to help you, though. I haven't worked for the P.o.S. for over seven years. After the fire they moved the premises to the Far East, so it's not even the P.o.S. anymore, it's the P.o.E. -- As you can imagine, the change of initials led to great changes within the organisation. 

I'm afraid that I can't help much with your second request either. E., of the P.o.S. hasn't been seen in 5 years. I heard that he had moved away after the fire, and he was last seen in Paris at the turn of the Century. 

In any case, the P.o.S. doesn't signify what you think it does. All they really do is deliver mail and occasionally host historical re-enactments. 

Your friend,

Dr. Francoís Monréaux, MD, PhD. 

Captain Derek Dingle's testimony.

TRANSCRIPT: 

Mr. W. M. Billingsbury: Mr. Dingle, is it true that you witnessed the crime?

Captain Dingle: Yes sir. I saw the whole thing.

Mr. W. M. Billingsbury:... And could you describe what you saw?

Captain Dingle: Certainly. It happened about three weeks ago. I was driving past the harbour and I stopped to buy something for my lunch... I was going fishing, you see. Anyway, I got out of the car and I saw [REDACTED] dancing a jig by the water's edge. He was holding a shiny... Like a shiny cup in his hand; the kind that Priests use.

Mr. W. M. Billingsbury: You mean like a chalice? Or a goblet?

Captain Dingle: Yes, yes that's it. A chalice. 

Mr. W. M. Billingsbury: Can you please describe this item for the court?

Captain Dingle: Sure. I'm no expert, I'm just a humble fisherman, but it looked like it was... And please, forgive me if I'm making a fool of myself here... It looked like a chalice of late Medieval design. There were a few precious stones stuck on: sapphires, rubies, diamonds and all that sort of thing. 

Mr. W. M. Billingsbury: I see. Thank you, Mr. Dingle. Please continue.

Captain Dingle:... Continue describing the chalice?

Mr. W. M. Billingsbury: No, no. Please continue your testimony. You were just describing the moment when you first saw [REDACTED] dancing by the water. Please, continue. 

Captain Dingle: Oh yes. Fine. Anyway, I saw him dancing with the cup and then [REDACTED] went over to him and they started to argue. [REDACTED] was trying to grab the... Chalice... from [REDACTED]'s hand, but he wouldn't let go. [REDACTED] then took the harpoon gun and shot [REDACTED] through the chest. He fell into the water and [REDACTED] dived in after him and grabbed the chalice. I ran back into the shop and called the police. [REDACTED] didn't try to get away, though, he just threw stones at passerby and told them that he would be very powerful soon. Then the police came and arrested him. I think he threw the chalice away into the water, but I can't be sure.

Mr. W. M. Billingsbury: Thank you, Mr. Dingle. You're free to go.

Mr. Dingle: Thank you. Goodbye. 




Saturday 30 May 2015

Who is Enoch?

Who is this mysterious "Enoch"? Who is writing a play about him? Why does this person keep referring to a chalice of late Medieval design? How can a play have over 500 Acts? 

These are the questions which have gripped the world... And now we have some answers. 

--

Q.1 - Enoch does not exist. He is a creation of an Irish writer called [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] based his character on an American English teacher. Neither [REDACTED] nor the English teacher could be reached for comment.

Q.2 - [REDACTED] is writing a play about Enoch. 

Q.3 - [REDACTED] is referring to this chalice because he read about it on the English teacher's website: necessaryprose.com - His motives are unclear.

Q.4 - No play has over 500 Acts. [REDACTED] will likely never finish it. 

--

Thanks to Prof. E.E. McMoriarty-Clementine XVI

Act DXLIX, Scene IV

Ms. Lancashire and Mr. E. are trying on hats.

Ms. Lancashire: I say!

Mr. E.: What do you say?

Ms. Lancashire: What a fabulous hat!

Mr. E.: Yes... It is a fabulous hat. 

Ms. Lancashire: I agree, Mr. E. . . . By the way, E., you never told me what your real name is. 

Mr. E.: I am a phantom. My name is Mr. E., as in, mystery! 

Ms. Lancashire: Hmm... Perhaps. How about this one? 

Mr. E.: I like it. It acts as a foil for your ridiculously round face.

Ms. Lancashire: Here, E., try this top hat on. It'll suit you.

Mr. E.: I look foppish. 

Ms. Lancashire: If by foppish you mean incredibly handsome, then yes, you look very foppish.

Mr. E.: You are a gracious lady, Ms. Lancashire. Now, tell me about this chalice you have lost.

Ms. Lancashire:... It happened a few weeks ago, E. -- I was tending my garden, and I heard a noise from the house. I ran back inside and saw that my chalice, which is usually hidden among my collection of Art Deco lamps, was missing. It's obviously been stolen, but who would want an old chalice of late Medieval design? It's not worth very much; a few of the precious gems are missing from the rim. 

Mr. E.:... Ms. Lancashire... Are you in contact with an organisation called... The P-- 

Suddenly Mr. E. drops to the floor. There is a dart lodged in his back. 

END SCENE.

Tuesday 5 May 2015

Act III, Scene XVII

Act III, Scene XVII 

The curtain opens on Dr. Olongo, Ms. Sheperoa, Prof. O'Sea, Lord and Lady E. Vill and Enoch, handsome and intelligent.

Prof. O'Sea: Truly, the intelligence of Enoch knows no equal. 

Enoch: Professor, you are a wise and learned man. But I am Enoch! No man's wit is sharper than mine, and your crudely fashioned psychological tricks will not dissuade me from my course... I know that one of... YOU!... Killed Ms. Penelope Shingle. 

Lord E. Vill: Poppycock. This Enoch is a rogue! A knave! An impertinent oaf more suited to shining shoes than to investigating murder. Now, please, get out of mine and my wife's way. We are very important, innocent people. 

Enoch: Not... So... Fast, Lord Vill. Where precisely were you when--

Dr. Olongo: Alas! Enoch is a cad. 

Ms. Shepeora: Dr. Olongo, please contain yourself! Enoch's great intelligence is at work. 

Lady E. Vill: Tish and pish, Shepeora. Enoch's a cad! Why, everyone has heard that.

The room erupts into loud chatter. Arguments concerning Enoch come from all sides. Ms. Shepeora and Lord E. Vill engage in a sword fight using decorative Art Deco lamps; Lady E. Vill sets fire to a settee and pushes it out of a window; Dr. Olongo strangles Prof. O'Sea with a length of wire and decapitates him. 

Enoch steps forward.

Enoch: ENOUGH!

The fight ends.

Enoch: Lo! See what your madness has done?! Prof. O'Sea's head is off his scrawny shoulders. Can my handsomeness truly mean so much?!... Dr. Olongo, when the power has been restored to the house, I intend to phone the Police to report this dastardly crime.

Lord E. Vill: Good idea, Enoch! I propose we viciously slaughter Ms. Shepeora next! 

Ms. Shepeora: Ha! No! Let's kill Lord E. Vill using this Baroque pillar! That will show him, the oaf.

Ms. Shepeora moves towards a giant pillar and tries to crush Lord E. Vill. She does not succeed.

Lord E. Vill: Dotard! That pillar is many thousand times your weight, you could not hope to move it!

Enoch:... This mystery deepens. 

End scene.